You wouldn’t berate a friend for making a mistake, so why do it to yourself? Many of us have an inner voice that’s quick to criticize and slow to forgive. But research shows that practicing self-compassion (which means treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend) leads to greater emotional resilience, motivation, and overall well-being. One powerful way to cultivate this? Writing a self-compassion letter to yourself.
Why self-compassion matters
Leading researcher on self-compassion Kristin Neff explains that self-compassion is about recognizing your humanity and responding to whatever good or bad happens with kindness rather than criticism.
This means that when life gets tough, instead of thinking critical thoughts like ‘Why am I like this?’, encourage yourself to say ‘This is hard for me and I deserve kindness, not criticism‘. Acknowledge your struggles and move forward with care and self-respect.
Research shows that self-compassionate people experience less anxiety, depression, and stress. They’re also more resilient in the face of setbacks simply because they don’t waste energy beating themselves up.
Tip: Assess your level of self-compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion test
How to write a (positive) letter to yourself
An effective exercise to strengthen self-compassion is writing a letter to yourself, as Neff recommends. But what do you write in a self-compassion letter? Here’s how to do it:
- Think of a challenge you’re facing. Maybe you’re struggling with self-doubt, feeling overwhelmed at work, or criticising your body. Write about what is going on and how that makes you feel.
- Step into the perspective of a friend. Imagine someone (existing or non-existing) who cares about you and wants the best for you. What would they say to acknowledge your pain and to encourage and support you? And how would they advice you to cope with your challenge or what changes would they advice you to make?
- Re-read your letter after a couple of days. Notice how the kind words make you feel. Also, when self-criticism creeps in, return to your words of kindness and reassurance.
When writing the self-compassion letter to yourself, remind yourself to not brush aside your emotions. Instead, validate them: It makes sense that you’re feeling this way. Also, before writing the letter to yourself, it may help to practice a mindfulness meditation.
Another writing exercise for more self-compassion
Self-compassion is about creating a healthier, more supportive relationship with yourself. Writing a letter is a simple yet powerful way to start shifting your inner dialogue from self-criticism to self-kindness.
Another powerful writing exercise that can help you with this, is practicing gratitude for yourself. Each evening, write down three things you appreciate about yourself. This can be your efforts, qualities, or acts of kindness.
At first, this may feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable, which is natural if you’re not used to speaking kindly to yourself. But keep going. Over time, you’ll notice that these kind words start to feel more natural and meaningful.
More exercises? 5 Mindful Exercises for More Self-Compassion
Image credit: Marcos Paulo Prado via Unsplash
