You tell yourself you should be more disciplined. You should wake up earlier, work harder, exercise more, stop procrastinating, and simply do better. But instead of feeling motivated, you just feel… exhausted. Probably even stuck and unhappy. It’s the opposite of motivation. For many of us, motivation has become entangled with self-criticism. We believe that if we don’t push ourselves hard enough, we’ll become lazy or unproductive. So, we rely on an inner drill sergeant—one who criticizes and demands more. While this might work in the short term, over time, it drains your energy, confidence, and motivation.
Why being hard on yourself is the wrong approach
We tend to be far more critical of ourselves than we are of others. To others, we are kind, understanding, and supportive when life gets tough. Yet, when it comes to ourselves, we believe that compassion won’t cut it—we need a harsh inner voice to keep us going.
Why? We’re afraid of becoming lazy, self-indulgent, or unproductive. Research suggests that we fear losing our edge if we don’t constantly push ourselves. But ironically, the opposite is true. Scientific studies show that a compassionate and encouraging inner voice leads to greater achievements and long-term success.
Why are you used to motivate yourself by beating yourself up?
For many of us, motivating yourself and self-criticism have long been intertwined. This belief has deep roots. Growing up, we were often told to push ourselves to get things done. When we performed well, we received praise; when we made mistakes, we faced consequences.
Additionally, we are evolutionarily wired with a negativity bias—a cognitive tendency to give more weight to negative experiences than positive ones. As a result, we focus more on failures, criticism, and setbacks rather than our successes and strengths.
What is a better way to self-motivate yourself?
As a result of these patterns, we set high standards for ourselves and push even harder when we fall short. This cycle often leads to feelings of failure, not being (good) enough, and even burnout.
However, research shows that motivating yourself with kindness and understanding has significant benefits, such as:
- Less performance anxiety
- Less fear of failure
- A greater ability to recover from setbacks
- Increased willingness to take risks and persist
- A growth mindset
- Greater self-confidence
“With self-compassion, we try to reach our goals or make changes not because we’re inadequate as we are, but because we care about ourselves and want to be happy.” – Kristin Neff
How to stop criticizing and pushing yourself
The reality is, we’re all human and inherently imperfect. We will always make mistakes or fall short from time to time. The goal isn’t to eliminate failure but to stop blaming ourselves when it happens.
A key part of breaking the cycle of self-criticism is changing your inner dialogue and developing a self-compassionate mindset. Of course, this takes time and practice. Here’s what you can do, based on insights from psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff and neuroscientist Dr. Judson Brewer:
- Try. This sounds obvious but it’s an essential part of getting there. Really notice your self-talk. Pay attention to the way you speak to yourself. When your inner dialogue turns negative, interrupt it. Mindfulness exercises can help you become aware of these thoughts, or you can consciously shift your focus to something else.
- Reframe your inner dialogue. Kristin Neff suggests speaking to yourself as you would to a friend. You can also try giving yourself compliments, focusing on self-affirming thoughts, or using motivating quotes that resonate with you.
- Observe how kindness feels. To shift toward self-compassion in the long run, notice how you feel after treating yourself with kindness. According to Brewer, simply noticing the difference in how you feel taps into the brain’s reward-based learning system, helping you naturally choose positive self-talk over time.
How to gently push yourself when you lack motivation
Of course, shifting to a compassionate way of motivating yourself won’t happen overnight. If you’re used to harsh self-criticism, this new approach may feel awkward or ineffective at first. But think of it as an experiment—something to try and observe how it makes you feel.
Remind yourself that you can always return to the drill sergeant if you want to. But trust us—once you start embracing self-compassion, you won’t feel the need to invite him over for coffee anymore.
Image credits: Jean Carlos via Pexels
