Self-compassion is often misunderstood as simply being kind to yourself. But according to psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, showing compassion to yourself, others, and the world around you is more complex. It has two equally important sides: fierce self-compassion and tender self-compassion. While tender self-compassion is about kindly accepting what is, fierce self-compassion helps you set boundaries, stay motivated, and take action. And in life, we need both. How do you find the right balance between them?
The Difference Between Fierce and Tender Self-Compassion
Tender self-compassion is the comforting, nurturing side that allows you to be kind to yourself. It helps you recognize pain, acknowledge it, and respond with understanding and kindness rather than self-criticism. It’s soothing, reassuring, and fosters inner peace.
Fierce self-compassion, on the other hand, is about taking a stand. It’s the energy that empowers you to stand up for yourself and assert your needs.
With tender self-compassion, you say to yourself “I’m here for you”. With fierce self-compassion, you say “I’ve got your back, go get them tiger”. One is soft and gentle; the other is strong and motivating. To feel balanced and empowered, you need both.
What is Tender Self-Compassion?
Tender self-compassion is the ability to treat yourself with kindness, especially when life gets tough. It allows you to offer yourself the same understanding and care you would give a friend. Being tender with yourself, that’s what it’s all about.
An Example of Tender Self-Compassion
The tender side of self-compassion is closely linked to self-care and emotional resilience. For example, imagine you make a mistake at work. Almost automatically, your inner critic is hard on you, and you feel overwhelmed by that voice in your head.
Instead of being hard on yourself, tender self-compassion encourages you to acknowledge your feelings with kindness: “It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. I’m doing my best.” Responding in a more gentle way helps reduce stress and fosters emotional well-being.
How to Practice Tender Self-Compassion?
- Speak kindly to yourself. Replace self-critical thoughts with understanding ones.
- Allow yourself to rest. Prioritize self-care without guil. You are allowed to rest—even when there’s a lot on your plate. Better yet: you need rest to tackle everything on your to-do list.
- Acknowledge your emotions and thoughts. Instead of pushing your feelings away, recognize and validate them for what they are: reactions to a situation. Try to view your thoughts not as an absolute truth.
- Practice self-soothing techniques. Engage in activities that bring you comfort, like deep breathing, journaling, or meditation.
What is Fierce Self-Compassion?
Fierce self-compassion is about motivating yourself and taking action. It’s not about being aggressive or hard on others; it’s about being strong and self-respecting. It helps you stand up for yourself, set boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your well-being.
An Example of Fierce Self-Compassion
Suppose you’re overworked and exhausted, yet there’s still so much to do, and your colleague asks if you can help them out. Fierce self-compassion empowers you to set boundaries: “I need rest, not more work. I’m going to say no to extra tasks right now.”
How to Practice Fierce Self-Compassion
- Set healthy boundaries. Recognize when you need to say no and stand firm in your decision, even if it feels uncomfortable at first (remember: it’s just because you’re not used to it, not because it’s wrong). Speak up for your needs and values.
- Challenge self-doubt. Recognize when self-criticism is holding you back and replace it with self-affirming thoughts.
- Take action for your well-being. Prioritize habits that contribute to your mental and physical health, such as exercise, therapy, or creative expression.
Why You Need Both Fierce and Tender Self-Compassion
If you lean too much into tenderness, you risk being overly passive, avoiding necessary action. If you only embrace fierceness, you might become overly harsh with yourself and others. A healthy balance allows you to be both strong and kind, resilient and nurturing.
Try to see it as a gentle kind of strength. When you listen to your needs—whether they call for comfort or courage—you build a foundation of true inner strength. And don’t forget: finding balance takes time, courage, and practice. It’s a continuous quest, not something you can simply achieve.
More on self-compassion? The 3 Elements of Self-Compassion, According to Kristin Neff
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