Shame is that lingering feeling that surfaces when we feel bad about ourselves, for whatever reason. The trouble is, we often don’t recognize shame for what it is. But when you don’t understand what you’re feeling, it becomes difficult to process and let those emotions go. So how can we cope with shame?
When we feel ashamed, it becomes difficult to feel good about ourselves or to be fully authentic. Over time, that feeling can build up, leaving us down or even depressed, and robbing us of our enjoyment of life.
That makes it important to recognize shame for what it is: an innocent emotion that tells us we want to be loved for who we are. But the power of shame lies in its being hidden. That means we often don’t recognize shame for what it is and confuse it with feelings of anger or anxiousness.
Why is shame invisible?
Shame is one of the most painful emotions we can experience, yet it often goes unseen. We’ll do almost anything to avoid feeling ashamed. Our first instinct is often to stay quiet, escape the situation, or turn the emotion outward by getting angry or critical, toward others or ourselves. In other words: freeze, flight, or fight.
Another common reaction is to numb ourselves, escaping into unhelpful habits like endless scrolling, eating or drinking, using substances, or shopping. But these behaviors don’t resolve the emotion. They only suppress it, allowing it to resurface later, often with even greater intensity.
We’re so overwhelmed by shame that we don’t even recognize it, confusing it with other feelings. That confusion makes it harder to work through, to talk about, and ultimately, to let go of.
How to cope with shame?
Fortunately, research by clinical psychologist Christopher Germer, one of the leading experts on self-compassion, shows a strong link between self-compassion and shame. In many ways, self-compassion is the opposite of shame, and therefor a positive and trauma sensitive remedy for it.
According to Germer, coping with shame begins with recognizing it for what it is (a crucial first step!) and cultivating self-acceptance and kindness toward ourselves. As he explains: “Shame arises from the universal wish to be loved. If we didn’t long to be loved, we wouldn’t feel shame. From there, we’re in a good position to offer ourselves the compassion we need. Shame loses its power when we see it through the eyes of self-compassion.”
Through self-compassion, Germer explains, we built the emotional resilience and inner strength needed to understand how shame shows up in our lives, learn from it and transform it into something more constructive.
Learn how to understand and release shame: Our 8-week (online) Self-Compassion for Shame course guides you step-by-step through the process of recognizing and releasing shame. This course is taught by certified senior MSC teachers Mila de Koning and Natalie Bell, with a Q&A session by Christopher Germer.
Credits image: Anthony Tran
