Life feels unstable. Between global events, social injustices, and personal challenges, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or powerless. And often, what we value most (our sense of right, fairness, or care) clashes with what we can actually do. That gap creates moral stress: the tension of knowing what matters but feeling unable to act on it. Founder of the Self-Compassion Academy and mindful self-compassion teacher trainer Mila de Koning explains how self-compassion can become a vital source of emotional stability.

Moral stress arises when what we value and what we are able to do don’t align, a situation that many of us face regularly. It’s that inner conflict that emerges when our sense of right and wrong collides with the reality of systems or circumstances beyond our control.

Witnessing hardship, injustice, or suffering, whether in the world at large or in our immediate surroundings, can leave us feeling stuck, anxious, or numb. Self-compassion offers a way to respond to this stress by meeting it with care and grounding ourselves in what is within our control instead of avoiding the discomfort.

Map out your window of tolerance

One practical framework for understanding how we respond to stress is the “window of tolerance”, a concept that maps how our nervous system reacts to stress or intense emotions. When we are within this window, we feel present, connected, and able to respond.

Outside of it, our emotions can take over. We may enter the “red zone” of overwhelm (also known as the alarm phase that can express itself like anxiety, urgency, or agitation) or the “gray zone” of numbness (we shut down and start feeling frozen and disconnected).

And because the body always responds when our emotions get ahead of us, we can also use the body to come back to our window “normal” window of tolerance. Not by thinking, but by feeling.

How do you find emotional stability?

It’s very easy to disconnect from our bodies when the world feels heavy and when we are dealing with a lot of moral distress. But our bodies carry essential information about our needs and boundaries. Use it as a guide to notice tension, shallow breathing, or a racing heart. These are clues to where you are outside your window.

Self-compassion allows us to notice our emotional and physical state without judgment and to gently guide ourselves back into balance. This can mean slowing down, standing in our body, or simply offering ourselves comfort and care in moments of distress.

Self-compassion has another side too: fierce compassion. While the soothing side comforts, the fierce side protects, motivates, and sets boundaries. It’s the inner voice that says: “This matters. I will take care of myself. I will act in line with my values” and gives us the courage to say “no,” uphold our boundaries, and recognize what truly matters.

In the face of moral stress or situations of injustice, this fierceness helps us remain grounded in our body, connect to our strength, and act in alignment with our values, without collapsing under the weight of what feels overwhelming.

Try this: How To Take a Self-Compassion Break?

Another source of emotional stability comes from the recognition of common humanity. Knowing that we are not alone in our struggles or chaos can be deeply comforting. Sharing practice with others (whether in a retreat, a workshop, or a simple conversation) reinforces this sense of connection and remind you that your response is human and valid.

Emotional stability starts with compassion

Keep in mind that finding resilience and emotional stability in difficulty is not about feeling comfortable. It’s really about comforting yourself because there is difficulty. And it is this sense of being held and taken care of that will help you move back towards your window of tolerance and brings you back to this feeling of inner peace and stability.

Want to learn more? Join our workshop: Self-compassion in Unstable & Challenging Times

Beeld: Markus Spiske via Unsplash