Not everyone has a loud inner voice, but for those who do, it’s often critical rather than kind. That inner dialogue can make us feel anxious, stressed, or simply sad or down. How could you reshape this self-talk to be more kindly and compassionate?

As someone whose mind is always in overdrive, I know what it’s like to constantly question or criticize your own actions. I do have an inner voice, but it’s rarely kind or protective. As I wrote earlier, I am my own worst critic, and my thoughts rarely stop racing.

How to talk kindly to yourself?

To tackle that critical inner voice and shift it into a gentler, more supportive one, I often turn to mindfulness or self-compassion. I try to sit with my feelings and speak to myself as I would to a good friend in the same situation.

Often, this approach helps. It shifts my perspective and reminds me that the situation isn’t as devastating as my mind makes it seem. But it wasn’t until I joined a mindful self-compassion course that I really discovered my own compassionate voice.

Now, let me tell you how you can discover yours too. Or in other words: what you need to say to yourself instead of criticizing or pushing yourself too hard.

Finding your compassionate voice

Discovering your compassionate voice means finding the kind sentences you need to tell yourself instead of the harsh ones your familiar with.

Step 1. Turn inward

To tap into this voice, start by slowing down and turning inward. You can do this by practicing a loving-kindness meditation, such as this one by Kristin Neff. In this practice, you focus on sending love and kindness to a person you love.

Step 2. What do you need?

After this practice, you might notice that the phrases don’t quite match how you usually speak to others or to yourself. When that happens, the words can feel hollow and hard to believe. That’s why it’s important to find language that feels genuinely yours.

These phrases are meant to answer one essential question: what do I need right now? You can explore this language by placing a hand on your heart and gently asking yourself that question: what do I really need?

When you’re done, write down whatever comes up. This might be statements like, “I deserve to take a break,” or, “I’m allowed to trust myself and do it my way.”

Step 3. What would I like to hear?

After writing down what you need, take a moment to reflect on what you long to hear from others. Ask yourself which supportive words would give you the courage or compassion you’re missing right now.

Write down any phrases that come to mind, such as, “You’re doing your best,” or, “I’m proud of you, and I enjoy being with you.”

Step 4. Finding the right words

Of course, you can use the words that came up during the exercise as they are. But you can also rewrite them into personal affirmations or wishes to yourself; statements you can repeat to yourself daily.

It’s important that the words resonate with you and don’t feel like a task. So instead of saying, “I need to take more breaks,” try rephrasing it as a wishful statement, such as, “I deserve to rest” or “May I allow myself to pause”.

Try writing three or four sentences that you can use in your daily practice, or whenever you need to hear them.

Read more: How to write a self-compassion letter (and why it works)

Credits image: Tachina Lee