There’s one thing we can all be sure of, especially since even Marie Kondo changed her mind about it a few years ago; life’s messy. Life’s not made to be this perfect string of emotions and situations. It’s full of unexpected challenges and unforeseen circumstances. That’s why, in Mindful Self-Compassion courses, we often say “the goal is to be a compassionate mess”. Research shows that many of us find it difficult to be compassionate toward ourselves, particularly women.

How compassionate are women (and men)?

Research by psychologist Kristin Neff shows that 78 percent of people are kinder and more compassionate to others than to themselves. For women, it’s 86 percent, for men, it’s 67 percent, says Neff in an interview with McKinsey & Company.

She explains that women in particular benefit from balancing two complementary sides of compassion: tenderness and fierceness. Why? Many women fear that self-kindness will make them weak or lazy, but studies prove the opposite: it fuels motivation, strength, and effectiveness.

Especially in the workplace, balancing fierceness with tenderness helps women navigate tricky gender expectations, such as being competent and likable, assertive and collaborative.

Also read: What Causes A Lack of Self-Compassion?

Balancing tender and fierce self-compassion as a woman

Tender self-compassion is what most of us imagine: treating ourselves with kindness in the face of imperfection, pain, or failure. Instead of beating ourselves up, we offer the same care we’d give to a friend. This tenderness helps us cope with life’s messiness and provides the resilience to keep going.

But Neff emphasizes that tenderness alone isn’t enough. We also need fierce self-compassion: the courage to set boundaries, speak up, and fight for change when something isn’t right.

For women, this is especially important, because women aren’t allowed to be fierce. Social norms often reward us for being nurturing and selfless and penalize us when we’re assertive or angry. Fierce self-compassion reframes that assertiveness not as aggression but as care: care for ourselves, for others, and for justice.

These two sides of our nature are really important, says Neff. For both woman and men. By honoring our both sides we become more resilient, authentic, and whole. And for women, learning to embrace this full spectrum of compassion is a radical act of reclaiming their power.

Read more: How To Practice Fierce Self-Compasion?

Credits image: Jessica Felicio via Unsplash